Well here I am, sitting @ work, not wanting to do anything, but sit and stare @ the screen; I went out last night, to the Vanguard… a date type thing with this girl that I had had this random hook up with a few weeks ago, what a fucking disappointment the night was. I’m so sick of this. The first time we went out, she was talking about her X, and I’m like, cool I have been there I know what that’s like. but I thought, hay, I’m past that, I need someone who’s where I am… so I left it… a flurry of emails latter, she’s turned me around… so I went and seen her, sat around playing guitar, and as you do, we ended up in bed lol… anyway, after seemed a bit strange. But found out later she thought I was using her for sex, and I kind of thought she was doing the same, yes… I’m that good lol, anyway left, and didn’t really speak to her for a bit. Sent her a few msg a week later, she said she was busy but still keen. So I just thought id leave it, no pressure, she could come to me. Which she was, pretty heavy with the chasing before we fucked so…

Anyway a few days ago she starts talking to me on MSN. I was trying to find a date for Bic Runga (of which I had first thought of her, but again wasn’t going to chase) anyway start talking and I’m like do you want to come… she’s like nah I going out for my flatmates birthday… I’m like fuck that... you know I’m more fun lol. Bic was unfortunately sold out, so we settled on the Vanguard instead… oh yeah about her…. this chick is pretty awesome, good looking little Asian girl, good in bed, well educated, plays guitar, piano, good job... all the things I’m looking for… the only thing that had put me off @ first was the X talk.

I said to her look, I’m looking for something… a relationship or more the potential to lead to one. she’s basically, I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now … but in time… which I took to mean the same thing… anyway so she meets me in Newtown, comes up kisses me on the cheek, all very plutonic… and I’m feeling, err… this is not what I expected… even if it was going to be sex, there could @ least be a little romance you know… so get to the Vanguard and I’m feeling like shit.

Ok bit of back-story, the first time I went to the Vanguard, I fell in love with the place, it’s like this small intermit kind of theatre restrount. All red, I don’t know, it gives me the feeling of a some 18^th century French bordello somehow. Well what I think of, when I think of that kind of thing lol. It’s alt and sexy and intellectual… hard to explain. Anyway went there to see IO… some guy…acoustic guitar, awesome voice. As I listened to him play, I looked down on the tables, with all the couples and was like how awesome it would be. how romantic to be here with someone, dim candle lit dinner, beautiful music with a beautiful engaging girl… it became a bit of a fantasy… so here I am, thinking I’m about to have my fantasy fulfilled, and with good reason, some of the emails I got from this chick were pretty full on…. And yet here I sat, feeling totally rejected and disappointed, no meaningful looks, no hand holding, just sporadic conversation, mixed with uncomfortable silence. Me, Being me, I had to say something lol … I told her that I liked her, but she obviously, had changed her mind, that I was uncomfortable with the situation. I told her about what my little dreams had been with coming here, that this was not what I expected… and so on… she said that yeah she had changed her mind… that while it was nice, she was not in the right head space right now for anything more than meaningless sex. I will no longer put up with situations I don’t want to be in… if I wasn’t getting what I wanted, id rather leave then sit there dejected and disappointed, sinking further down. So she’s like ok ill go to... I told her to stay… I wanted her to stay, but she came…

As we were walking we talked, she said that she had been so hurt and rejected be her X that that’s what she wanted to do for a while. Just treat guys like meat and hurt them… its sounds callus but I understand where she was coming from. She said that I wasn’t part of that evil plan and that she wanted to be friends, that when she had sorted herself out…who knows… but one thing the Satomi lesion taught me…never put yourself in a bad situation… like I said before, if your not getting what you want, leave, don’t stay in the hope that it will work… as fantastic as it would be… its pain… and disappointment… so I told her, I cant be your friend. I told her, I could not see her again… If you find yourself sitting there thinking, wow she’s really quite attractive... You can’t be there friend… someone once said this was true… I didn’t believe them @ the time… but now I see it… and so I kissed her goodbye, told her that it was nice to meet her and walked off.

This is impossible, the girls I meet... either I’m not attracted to them, or there beautiful but insane (had two of those now) or there not in the same place as me… I don’t know what to do anymore…

Oh and another thing I said when she asked why we could we not be friends… its like the time I spent with you… it’s time that I could have met someone else… last night I sat @ this café waiting for Lina, I had this moment with this girl, I seen her someway off, beautiful white skin, high cheek bones and lush short black hair… stunning eyes… but I thought that’s all it was a moment, but just before Lina turned up, she appeared @ the café and sat down… alone, and giving me the same look… coincidence…. Or did I miss the love of my life… I guess ill never know… as I said to Lina, if its meant to happen we will meet again… or is that something you say to consol yourself…